When children say or do things we don’t like, often we're compelled to correct it.

Although it feels natural to address misbehaviour, always jumping to correction and consequences can lead a child to expect the same when they’re on the receiving end of it.

If we want to lessen their dependency on us and empower our kids to stand up for themselves, we can model what it looks like. We’re talking about times when your child calls you a name, snatches something or is physically rough with you. These are opportunities to show them (and their siblings) a mature response that keeps things on good terms.

Do you feel like no matter what you say to acknowledge your child’s feelings, it doesn’t help? You say sympathetically, "You're feeling angry right now" or “You wish you could watch another episode” and instead of calming down, they scream, cry harder, lash out or run away.

When all the positive parenting guidance is telling you to name feelings and hold space, it can be confusing when it backfires.

"She won't let me leave the room before she's asleep." "I had to carry him the whole time." "He hates holding my hand to cross the road."

Whenever I hear myself or a client using phrases like this, I pause. They're clues as to who's holding the power in these situations.

Parents often tell me in our first conversation that they’ve been following conscious parenting accounts for some time. There are some brilliant resources out there - you’ll find a handy list here - and as a parent myself I’ve gained so much from that daily drip feed of positive parenting.

Here are some of our most commonly overheard phrases at home. Yes they get forgotten for days at a time but the more I practise the more second nature they become.

Can you remember a teacher in your life who you absolutely adored? One you wanted to work hard for, and who supported you through good times and bad? For those of us lucky enough to have experienced this in childhood, it perfectly illustrates a core principle of what I call relational parenting: A secure attachment to a caregiver fosters good behaviour.

No parent sets boundaries perfectly every time. You start off with a well-meaning "Of course you can" and before you know it you're negotiating a second ice cream, the next episode, "Can I get the paints out?" ten mins before you need to leave.

Ah perfectionism, that sweet bedfellow. You have to love the irony of us super competent parents, million-miles-an-hour-spinning-every-plate, trying to tell our kids not to worry about failure.

Ah perfectionism, that sweet bedfellow. You have to love the irony of us super competent parents, million-miles-an-hour-spinning-every-plate, trying to tell our kids not to worry about failure.

Ah perfectionism, that sweet bedfellow. You have to love the irony of us super competent parents, million-miles-an-hour-spinning-every-plate, trying to tell our kids not to worry about failure.

Now we’re all back socialising, our kids have the chance to really show us up don’t they? If yours is struggling with sharing and manners at the moment... well these would be normal even without a year of lockdown. Socialisation is a huge, HUGE concern for parents. We've forever been tasked with teaching our kids how to behave around other people and understand the consequences of their actions.

Our nervous systems govern everything. Mood, hormones, immune system, digestion, blood vessels, muscles, brain signals… literally everything. That’s why any form of dysregulation can massively affect our kids’ behaviour. The more we can work with our child’s sensory preferences, the more time they’ll spend in a content, steady state. 

Sportcasting - or broadcasting - has to be one of my top positive parenting tools. It's just so.... neutral. Whenever we're tempted to rush in with a "HEY, STOP THAT" or a judgement or a command, sportscasting gives us the breathing space to think about our response.

Sportcasting - or broadcasting - has to be one of my top positive parenting tools. It's just so.... neutral. Whenever we're tempted to rush in with a "HEY, STOP THAT" or a judgement or a command, sportscasting gives us the breathing space to think about our response.

Scanning the environment. Calculating risk. Assessing needs. Making quick decisions. Sounds like a military operation? It's actually not far from what high energy/anxious parents experience a lot of the time.

It all begins with an idea.Many of us were raised on a diet of good manners and good grades. And for some, that might have been at the cost of feeling safe to really be ourselves and make mistakes.

If we have a tendency to please others, it can be intimidating to be in the presence of someone who can express themselves genuinely and confidently.

Let's talk suncream.

A bone of contention between parents and kids since Ancient Greek times (not kidding, they used olive oil 😂).

Who hasn't resorted to manhandling, distraction, warnings, requests and bribes to swipe it on?

What one thing could you change at home today that would instantly reduce or remove a cause of conflict?

I'm all for giving kids the opportunity to show responsibility and working together on setting limits. But if you have an expectation that your child consistently finds hard to meet, that's a clear sign they might not be ready.

Here's the thing about defiance in neurotypical kids: It's SO hard to avoid a power struggle when your child refuses what you've asked. Many, many parents will experience a stress response in the face of defiance.