The Ten Pillars of Relational Parenting
Can you remember a teacher in your life who you absolutely adored? One you wanted to work hard for, and who supported you through good times and bad?
For those of us lucky enough to have experienced this in childhood, it perfectly illustrates a core principle of what I call relational parenting: A secure attachment to a caregiver fosters good behaviour.
In other words, we want to cooperate with people we have a great relationship with.
Now I’m nowhere near the first person to make this link. But the mainstream parenting dialogue is still very much focused on the behaviour end of the spectrum: how can we stop our child doing this or that annoying, worrying or hurtful thing.
Gen X and Millennial Parents
Many parents who grew up in the 70s, 80s and 90s may relate to this from their own childhood experience.
Whether it was high expectations of obedience, a critical parent who micro-managed, intolerance of big emotions (even if it was through well-intentioned distraction), a lack of boundaries or a ‘left to my own devices’ approach, a child who is now a parent today is more likely to believe from their own experience that behaviours are the most important thing to focus on.
Effective vs Ineffective Parenting Tools
If you’re reading this and experiencing misbehaviour and outbursts at home, perhaps you’re feeling stuck. Maybe the tools you’ve been using to extinguish poor behaviour are no longer working: Telling off, consequences, rewards and other strategies that bring our child in line. Sometimes they might work to get cooperation but deep down you know they’re not building confidence and connection.
So how can we teach responsibility, emotional intelligence and learning from mistakes without using punishments? We teach through connection.
As adults, we know that if someone makes a request of us in a way that’s demanding or coercive, we’re much less likely to do it. Conversely, when we’re feeling really connected to someone there’s way more give and take.
The 10 Pillars of Relational Parenting
In essence, relational parenting asks us to use our connection not our power as the basis for our entire parenting approach.
From this platform, we can try to:
Hold back from making demands and requests of our child that are transactional: If you do this, you’ll get this, if you don’t do it, this will happen. There is an overarching message here that your child’s ‘goodness’ is defined by their behaviour and your affection based on your approval/disapproval of it.
Convey unconditional love to our child: “No matter what you do or say won’t make me love you any more or less.” Children often love to receive this non-verbally as much as in words. This is a core human attachment need - a parent offering unshakeable safety, acceptance and love.
Watch language that implies you have absolute authority and are right about everything. Sometimes this is conveyed with the best of intentions and in the subtlest of ways so it’s worth becoming aware of your automatic patterns.
Prioritise one-to-one connection time as much as you possibly can. Observing your child’s interests and meeting them in their world is really hard for busy parents but sends a powerful message of “I’m interested in you, I see you and I love spending time with you," which is internalised in them as I’m worthy of being loved and understood.
Collaborate on issues instead of setting arbitrary boundaries. Looking for solutions together (from as young as two years old) creates a two-way respect dynamic that is incredibly empowering for children and builds their responsibility skills.
Put your relationship above power struggles. Think of it as “How can we tackle this problem together instead of you vs me?” Let them feel deeply that they have just as much right to express their needs and wants as you.
Hold space for all feelings that come up and resist trying to give advice or minimise or distract. We might not have experienced a parent empathising with our misbehaviour so this can feel particularly alien. Your calm response in hard moments helps a child stay connected to themselves which is the foundation of emotional intelligence and resilience.
Normalise healthy conflict and rupture rather than let it overwhelm you. Even the most attuned parents will read the signs wrongly half the time. Repair after disconnection is a fantastic opportunity to model what we want to see in all our child’s relationships now and in future.
Work on managing your own stress response to be able to pause and respond rather than react. What’s key here is learning to see misbehaviour as the tip of the iceberg so you can focus on the root problem when everybody’s calm.
Set boundaries from a place of love not fear. Making room for your child’s power in creating and holding limits can be daunting but transformative. Let natural and logical consequences be your guide over punishments.
In my practice, I provide one-to-one and couples coaching to build these foundations with accountability and support.
