How to Handle Misbehaviour Directed at You

When children say or do things we don’t like, often we're compelled to correct it. 

Although it feels natural to address misbehaviour, always jumping to correction and consequences can lead a child to expect the same when they’re on the receiving end of it.

If we want to lessen their dependency on us and empower our kids to stand up for themselves, we can model what it looks like. We’re talking about times when your child calls you a name, snatches something or is physically rough with you. These are opportunities to show them (and their siblings) a mature response that keeps things on good terms.

*Note: To be patient requires us to be in a regulated state and sometimes that just ain’t happening! The tips here are loose guides not a perfect standard :)

And so, when I’m feeling calm, here's my process for misbehaviour directed at me:

1. Dismiss It.

Wave off the behaviour and move on. Perfect for throwaway actions that my kid already knows I'd rather they didn’t do (the same goes for rude words). My energy and tone are relaxed, as if it didn’t happen at all.

What I'm doing here is offering a hall pass on the behaviour and focusing on the need underneath. 

Most of the time, these behaviours are connection-seeking. If my daughter’s throwing pens on the floor or jumping on my back, I'll gently stop the behaviour and say something like, “I’ll be ready to play with you in 3 minutes when I’ve finished X.” (To be repeated as many times as necessary in that 3 mins).

This helps her connect with what she’s really asking of me and consider my needs in a non-shaming way. 

2. Disarm it.

Some children are relentless in their quests (hey, persistence is a strength!). 

Let’s say your 4 year-old often thumps you to get your attention. Habits like this area easy to form while their impulse control is developing. Have a think about whether there’s a pattern to the behaviour as there might be changes you can make to prevent it happening in the first place.

In the moment, you might turn around and snap “Stop that!” but consider this: Humour is one of the most productive ways to change behaviour. Turn yourself into a sleeping bear and say "I think someone’s trying to wake me up. The only way is to whisper good morning/stroke my fur.” 

By becoming a funny character who only engages with kindness, we keep the connection open. From there we can help children practise friendly approaches without the need for lectures or anger. It’s a powerful way to de-escalate situations while reminding them of what is and isn’t appropriate.

If you find it hard to come up with that kind of role-play, just play an exaggerated version of yourself! 

3. Discuss it,

Every conflict offers an opening to ask for what you’d like instead - after all, we’re modelling confident communication here. I’m a huge fan of keeping it brief with a “Next time can you please…” instead of criticising the initial behaviour.

These early problem-solving chats pave the way for future discussions on difficult topics. They build trust that they can be positive and supportive, with both of you feeling you can ask for what you want.

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The main goal with any approach you take is to reassure your kid that you know their impulsive behaviour isn’t coming from a ‘bad’ place within them. This is how they learn to give others grace, too. And when we are derailed by the behaviour, we always have the option to model what repair looks like.

Contact me for a Power Hour to troubleshoot these situations in more depth.