When children say or do things we don’t like, often we're compelled to correct it.

Although it feels natural to address misbehaviour, always jumping to correction and consequences can lead a child to expect the same when they’re on the receiving end of it.

If we want to lessen their dependency on us and empower our kids to stand up for themselves, we can model what it looks like. We’re talking about times when your child calls you a name, snatches something or is physically rough with you. These are opportunities to show them (and their siblings) a mature response that keeps things on good terms.

Do you feel like no matter what you say to acknowledge your child’s feelings, it doesn’t help? You say sympathetically, "You're feeling angry right now" or “You wish you could watch another episode” and instead of calming down, they scream, cry harder, lash out or run away.

When all the positive parenting guidance is telling you to name feelings and hold space, it can be confusing when it backfires.

"She won't let me leave the room before she's asleep." "I had to carry him the whole time." "He hates holding my hand to cross the road."

Whenever I hear myself or a client using phrases like this, I pause. They're clues as to who's holding the power in these situations.

Parents often tell me in our first conversation that they’ve been following conscious parenting accounts for some time. There are some brilliant resources out there - you’ll find a handy list here - and as a parent myself I’ve gained so much from that daily drip feed of positive parenting.

Here are some of our most commonly overheard phrases at home. Yes they get forgotten for days at a time but the more I practise the more second nature they become.

Here's the thing about defiance in neurotypical kids: It's SO hard to avoid a power struggle when your child refuses what you've asked. Many, many parents will experience a stress response in the face of defiance.