How to Set Boundaries without a Fight

"She won't let me leave the room before she's asleep."

"I had to carry him the whole time."

"He hates holding my hand to cross the road."

Whenever I hear myself or a client using phrases like this, I pause. They're clues as to who's holding the power in these situations.

(Power can be a tricky word for some so I prefer to call it responsibility or authority).

As parents, it's our job to share responsibility with our kids in appropriate ways so they can grow their independence.

But boundaries are where things can get tricky. We might want to set a boundary but feel held hostage by our child's reaction to it. "She won't let me leave the room" could be translated as "She didn't cooperate willingly and I felt bad about that so I stayed/got cross."

In that moment we’ve passed the responsibility of upholding the boundary onto our child, before they’ve fully learned it.

Giving away our authority during boundary setting happens for lots of reasons (hello, coaching!) and it can really limit our capacity to follow through confidently and peacefully.

The key to changing the pattern, as always, is changing our perception.

Here's the reframe: When we believe it’s our responsibility to help a child learn a boundary (which, after all, are arbitrary decisions made by us), we approach the whole thing differently:

• We know it’s going to take time to teach the boundary. A child might need 30+ separate tries at bringing their bowl to the sink - with your patient presence - until they get the idea. If a child seems incapable of learning a rule, they might not be developmentally ready for it. Like babies with a stair-gate or timers on tablets, we use the environment to hold the limit for us in the meantime.

• We give lots and lots of preparation and, whenever possible, invite our kids to collaborate on rules and standards of behaviour. If we don’t want them jumping on their rickety bed, where else could they jump? Rather than binding them into a contract, we become the custodians of any agreements made.

• We model how to hold limits in a friendly, respectful manner. If they’re refusing to turn the TV off at the agreed time, we do it for them without a fuss and hold a warm space for their response. Try a ‘swap game’ - “What shall I swap you the remote for, a drink or a game?” - though not if they’re already upset.

• We sometimes have to physically follow through even if our child doesn’t like it, because it’s not their job to validate our decisions. The beauty is when we take the steps above, it becomes less likely we’ll have to do this. It’s usually when safety’s at stake; if they refuse to hold our hand in the car park, we calmly hold their hand. This can be especially difficult for parents who experienced a ‘Do as I say’ upbringing.

Seeing our child as asking for help when learning a boundary appeals to the patient leader in us. The heart of respectful parenting isn’t respecting our child’s wishes all of the time, but respecting their need for a loving guide and friend.

A huge part of coaching is helping parents find their calm inner leader. Book your Discovery Call here.