Kids’ Social Skills Can’t Be Rushed

Now we’re all back socialising, our kids have the chance to really show us up don’t they? ;-)

If yours is struggling with sharing and manners at the moment... well these would be normal even without a year of lockdown.

Socialisation is a huge, HUGE concern for parents. We've forever been tasked with teaching our kids how to behave around other people and understand the consequences of their actions.

This pressure is coming in earlier and earlier as part of the perfectionism that goes along with modern day parenting. It’s not uncommon for Mums and Dads to take toys from their 7-month-old’s hands with ‘No grabbing! We need to share.”

I get it. We’re trying to set our kids up to be good citizens. That’s a pressure put on us by society and our own upbringing, and it flows straight to our kids.

The rub comes when our desire for good social behaviour makes us insist on skills before they’re developmentally ready to master them.

We’re in such a hurry to raise polite kids that we end up having to use control based methods to get there (“We’re not going anywhere until you apologise”) and consequences when they slip up (“If you don’t come back to the table there’s no dessert”).

The fact is, a two year old’s brain isn’t yet set up for consistent, genuine acts of sharing. Five and six year olds will struggle to stay at the dinner table especially if they’ve been sedentary at school. 8 year olds may well care less about their little brother feeling left out of play. Apologising of their own accord… well a lot of grown ups still find this hard ;-)

We can start by straightening out our expectations. Is what I’m asking age appropriate? Damn, are they even MY KID appropriate? Have I ever seen them say bye without me enthusiastically prompting? Do I really think she can share the TV remote with her sister without any conflict?

Children learn prosocial behaviour with far less friction and a more genuine desire for it when it’s introduced positively and at the right time.

If considerate behaviour is what they're seeing and receiving at home, we can relieve ourselves of the job of forcing it.