How to Handle Perfectionism in Ourselves and our Kids

Ah perfectionism, that sweet bedfellow.

You have to love the irony of us super competent parents, million-miles-an-hour-spinning-every-plate, trying to tell our kids not to worry about failure.

Perfectionism is all about self-protection and control. We will do ANYTHING to avoid feeling shame because it means rejection, which on a primitive level means life or death.

This leads us (and our kids) to aim for nothing less than perfect outcomes and to put defences up against making mistakes, like not trying at all.

Perfectionism isn't a fixed trait, it's a voice. It's our ego telling us there's danger in failure.

We are literally telling ourselves a story. And stories can be changed.

Very often both parent and child share the same perfectionist script just in different ways. Healing perfectionism is an amazing growth opportunity to work on together.

First we need to listen out for the ego voice rearing up, in ourselves and our kids. Feelings of frustration and anger are typical signals.

Then validate out loud: "It's so frustrating when things don't turn out how we want them to." Once things are calm, we can coach.

Our job isn’t to tell our kids not to worry, it’s to create safety.

Letting go of perfectionism means learning to feel safe in learning, trying, risking and experimenting. We model it, we normalise it, we provide example after example of sensitively supporting mistakes at home. Family mantras and failure walls are great tools to keep coming back to.

Over time, the fearful ego voice softens.

Without the threat of failure hanging over us, we make space for a love of learning and self-improvement. We begin to trust that we’re loved and accepted even when we make mistakes so we aren’t as scared to try.

Letting go of our defences takes time and patience because we will CLING to any protection against shame. The key is making it a conscious daily practise for everyone in the family and being extra, extra kind in the process.