Parent Coaches Aren’t Perfect Parents

I really struggled to put my daughter to bed last night. Just when I thought she was drifting off, she ripped her nappy off, grabbed the monitor and threw it on the floor. I could feel my anxiety spike and was seconds from losing my temper.

Mustering some parent coaching tools, I spent the next few minutes trying to keep my voice light and playful to get the nappy back on. She wasn't having it. The more I tried, the more fractious she became.

We were close to loggerheads. I really didn't want to start making demands or pleas, but I could feel my creativity and patience seeping out of the dark room.

When I'm stressed, my fight/flight response shows up in different ways. When things get damaged, it brings out the fight in me. Tantrums can sometimes make me freeze.

By now I can pick up what my nervous system is doing and try to act a little less on impulse.

Last night, the impulse was definitely flight. Registering that my husband was nearby, I told my daughter I needed to get something, slipped out and asked him to take over.

(With flight, there's a fine line between calmly and kindly taking yourself away to cool off versus walking out with an air of 'I can't handle you right now'.)

My husband did a brilliant job of resetting the situation with a story and play. Half an hour later, she was asleep, nappy restored. When he came downstairs, he could tell I felt despondent for giving up. "A parent coach shouldn't run out of options," I moped.

He reminded me: "Don't forget I was coming in fresh, with none of the expectations you had. You put so much into managing our timetable, and with the clock change today, no wonder you felt the pressure to get things back on track. I often have the luxury of not worrying about those things."

I sat with that for a while. He's right about the burden of expectation we carry as parents, particularly mothers. For some of us, there's a near-constant wrestle between our own (understandable) agenda and our children's actual needs in the moment.

I can often feel that turning point inside me when things start going off plan and I start scrambling to get back on track.

But scrambling doesn't fuel my creativity or kindness or presence. Scrambling is desperate and impatient.

As imperfect parents, we're so often caught in the imbalance between expectation and reality.

We can help ourselves by introducing an expectation of clashing needs. We can prepare for fight/flight moments with an idea of how we'd like to respond in those inevitable moments.

What could you say to yourself when you're running late again and your instinct is to get annoyed with everyone and everything?

I'd love to know what you come up with.